Subject: Dr. Wilderbourne's World famous Psychological Test™
Date: 11 November 2009 12:29:19 GMT
To: you

Dear Patient,

Thank you for agreeing to take part and partake in part a of Dr. B.T. Wilderbourne's World famous Psychological Test™

The purpose of this test is to determine whether or not you are insane by analysing how you would react in hypothetical real-world situations. These situations are presented below as statements with related follow-up questions.

Both sane and insane people tend to look quite alike and often dress from right to left or live in similar cities, they may even have regular jobs like a cow importer or the man in an hilarious hemorrhoid commercial. When asked; an insane man or woman will often say that they ARE sane as to believe themselves insane would logically mean they would TELL you they were sane because if they told you they were insane you would not be able to trust their judgement on such a weighty matter DUE to their insanity. The surest and most respected method to determine who is sane and who is not is the administration of a test such as the one you are about to take. This test alone has been instrumental in the committal of tens of thousands of civilians in several former Soviet, Eastern European countries.

Please answer the questions in order, use the primary referencing system where appropriate; referencing the first question in the twelfth and the sixth in the eleventh et cetera. Multiple choice questions are marked out of ten with five points for a correct answer reducing with accuracy to four and question 4 and ten in TOTALITY. Wrong answers are subtracted from the mean at each point of occurrence but added to the total multiple choice points when both are calculated to provide the final result and total grand mean.

As this is a psychological test there are no right or wrong answers, so please answer as you see fit even if you think it might be the wrong answer which it most likely will be.


Question one:
Beatrix and Willard are attending a nautical themed pageant 'ce soir' and are extremely excited. As usual their clothing is gaudy and suggestive and their manner rude. Several disappearances have taken place of late and the talk has been of unnecessary surgery on railway-transients. The official line is that the murders were committed by inter-dimensionals but you believe otherwise. You have no jurisdiction to commence an official investigation into the deaths but believe the nexus of the crimes to be the Turkish Quarter of 'downtown'

Have the Turks breached the inter-dimensional fabric with some sort of accidentally constructed star gate and encountered a technologically advanced alien race with a curiosity as to the internal workings of homeless men
Has a member of the Turkish community become completely insane and decided to commit murder by surgery possibly whilst nude?

Why do you believe yourself to be correct constantly?

Question 2: Imagine you are a four foot three inch disc jockey playing at one of Teheran's hottest nightclubs. Like many humans who are as small as children; you are mean-spirited and cumbersome. As the electronic music you're playing is pinnacling a veteran of the Iran-Iraq war produces a loudspeaker and screams "look everybody, he's playing other people's music" before asking the crowd "did I fight a war to come home and pay fifty rials to watch a midget play someone else's music?"

The clarity and rhetorical nature of his rant catches the clientele by surprise. Several instantly flock to his camp while the rest turn to you and await your rebuttal.
At this instant the heel on your left shoe breaks causing you to fall over into a nearby pile of soiled nappies while someone at the back shouts "Ayatollad-you-so" to uproarious laughter.

Describe in detail the death of self belief.

Q three: Are you fashionable? Is anyone? Some people believe it is fashionable to be obese and wear trousers that are one size too small with a belt and display three inches of white garroted mid-fleisch to people who may have just had breakfast. Indeed there was a time when being intelligent or thinking for oneself was even considered chic! Do you believe it is important that those with whom you have relationships, those who represent the outside world, believe you to be 'cool' or 'glam' when recent studies have revealed that the "Contentless Façade of Glamour and Wow" now encompasses more territory on Earth that any Empire in History and is generally accepted as unstoppable?

Kweschun 4, It's a quarter of an hour to midnight in Hamburg and in a curious twist Munro has inadvertently insulted the Prussian Ambassador. By making a passing reference to highly publicised, yet hitherto off-limits, failed winter military campaign masterminded by the Bavarian Pope he has committed a 'class five' faux pas. Munro can't remember what the penalty is for a "crime absurde" since annexation but a recent case in which a cartoon cat was tried and convicted for rodenticide is fresh in his mind as is the recent obsoleting of the German word 'Vergebenlogik' which meant both common sense and leniency.

Munro has a degree in plant biology and several 'multi-lingual-pan-regional' one liners; he frequently refers to himself as 'an autodidact' and a French magazine once called him a man of letters before retracting the statement and apologising the following week. However, as midnight approaches and unwanted attention gravitates towards him as space-time does a dying star he is beginning to panic.
Should Munro...

a. Loudly blame a sweet Jewish wine he bought from a "one-eyed Albanian" and instigate an anti-Semitic sing-song.
b. Recite a highly complimentary limerick which presents the Bavarian Pope in a positive light whilst also discounting claims of genocide.
c. Tackle a nearby waiter to the ground and in the confusion plant his own communist membership in the waiter's pocket before blaming the waiter for both impersonating Munro AND being a Bolshevik.


Fifth Question: You've just invented a Spanish cake called 'cabrantellas' and are facing several lawsuits over the ownership of the cake's recipe. The lawsuits are more of a problem than you originally believed as the elderly woman you stole the recipe from had in turn stolen it from her neighbour who found it on the internet.
Luckily you have been the recipient of a piece of evidence which clearly links the entire Spanish people with the terrorist attacks of September-the-eleventh-two-thousand-and-one.


six: The Bird Gods are communicating with New York cab driver Louis Danner through his spinal cord again. This time they have told him they need fourteen people dead by sundown and are unconcerned with specifics. It just so happens that Louis is Puerto Rican by marriage and his extended family numbers exactly fourteen including his Granmama who treats him rather badly and is wheelchair-bound.

If you were Louis Danner; when you plead insanity would you have them believe that the Bird Gods are a creation of your mind or would you tell them the truth and give the court the exact location of their nest in the Congolese Jungle. (please bare in mind their tendency for retribution)

7 Uncle Georgiy takes a Polaroid photograph of every meal he ever eats. When quizzed he becomes defensive and claims it's simply in case it is "the tastiest meal he has ever eaten" and he wants to have photographic evidence. The truth is that the pictures are the 'before' part of a 'before & after' photographic series he is producing for his own amusement in the form of a scrap-book. Uncle Georgiy is not your blood relative rather a man your father befriended through polio in the mistaken belief that having a friend with polio meant you couldn't catch it.
However when your father learns the truth about polio and discovers Uncle Georgiy's methamphetamine lab on the same day he has no choice but to brutally murder Uncle Georgiy.

By removing Uncle Georgiy's head and devouring his heart, through his back, your father has successfully thrown the F.S.B. off his scent as they will believe this to be the work of a lunatic.

What would you have done to the body?
Do you believe it will ever be fashionable to hate thalidomide people in public?


Thank you for your honesty in the preceding questions. Please now forward your answers to with your address and place of work.