Subject: Everything is copacetic...
Date: 21 October 2009 23:33:25 BST
Dear Sir or Madam,
Please copy and paste this questionnaire and complete it before mailing it to firstname.lastname@example.org
It is also requested you make no mention of this to any person or people. An assessment of the results may or may not be returned to you within an eight day period.
All information will be treated with the strictest confidentiality. However, all answers and e-mail addresses will be catalogued and forwarded to the information gathering wing of The Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, Virginia.
The CIA is also known as 'The Octopus' but more commonly known as 'The Company'
Thank you and good luck.
Question one: Do you believe in the existence of a Universal Intelligence which connects all sentient creatures through an unseen soup of pure energy and creates an illusion of separation through varying vibrational frequencies?
If yes, please explain.
If no, why not?
Question two: In 1978 Jim Jones, founder of a cult called the People's Temple, convinced nine hundred and nine of his followers to drink liquid poisoned with cyanide in the jungles of Guyana. On a scale between one and thirty seven, how sane or insane do you believe yourself to be ? one being totally sane and 54 being completely out of your mind. Please note: insane people often believe they are sane and remember that in 1681 John Dryden wrote "great wits are sure to madness near allied and thin partitions do their bounds divide". Also worth remembering is Tony Soprano's quote "Now, get the fuck outta here before I shove that quotation book up your fat fucking ass"
Please give details.
Question three: Who are you? Please answer without reference to occupation or achievements. Details such as 'delighting in watching small mounds of sugar slowly sinking through the thick upper shelf of a fresh cappuccino' and 'believing yourself to be the first person to use a vacuum cleaner to catch flies' are encouraged.
Question four: The capture of a wild rat is always an exciting event. What method of disposal would you use to send it to wherever rats go when they die? Please do not restrict yourself to household objects and cleaning chemicals as this is a purely hypothetical situation allow your imagination free reign. (time constraint: 180 minutes)
Question five: It is widely known that cats are incapable of physical pain and any noise made when introduced to boiling water is purely coincidental. On a scale of twenty six to three hundred and 94 how tolerant of pain do you believe yourself to be and would you consider water-boarding your parents as part of a new game show for Sky1 HD?
Question six: It is often said " one learns nothing talking about oneself to other people and you should shut-up and listen for a fucking change " how true do you believe this statement to be and how reluctant are you to hear about other peoples dreams considering the average life expectancy is 76 years for men and 79 for women?
Question seven: Please rate the following achievements in order of importance: a. Owning a vehicle with a comedy klaxon b. Writing and starring in a brand new episode of Quincy From The Medical Examiners Office c. Attending a cake and pudding convention in an American state two years in a row then discussing it on a daytime television show d. Witnessing the mistrial and subsequent acquittal of a man guilty of killing a clamper with his own clamp e. Publicly humiliating a well known television rascal, precipitating his complete mental collapse.
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Question eight (part a) : Do you know a person who is not overweight but looks like they should be? If so, would you consider purchasing this person a product called "Fatn-UP" to allow them to become overweight by surreptitiously adding it to their food?
If this product featured in an American television show called "She ma bitch" in which a main character refers to it directly in an episode saying "I goin' fee dah to ma bitch 'n' she be fat, yo" would you be more or less likely to purchase this brand?
Would you mind that this product has been linked to both colon and stomach cancer?
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Question eight (part b) : Of the following four premises, which would you regard as having the comic potential to be a hip new reality show? 1. An extremely small man forced to carry around a large inflatable plastic penis attempts to approach several women and possibly fall in love 2. A group of extremely religious individuals are hypnotised and told that their respective religions are a huge practical joke and 'being straight' is actually 'being gay' 3. Twelve homeless men and women go toe to toe in an ultimate fighting competition for the chance to carry out intestinal surgery on whomever comes last in the competition 4. A salami salesman with bi-polar disorder is framed for a triple murder and sentenced to death in a brand new hidden camera show.
Question nine : It is often said that in order to function in a highly complex world human brains project a preconceived meaning on to all that they encounter. It is believed that this allows a relatively ancient mind to immediately catalogue and understand it's surroundings from a perspective of evolutionary survival. What are the implications of this hypothesis?
Also describe, in detail, someone you know who has no fashion sense.
Question ten: What is the greatest problem facing humankind? Do you believe the removal of the monetary system and introduction of a resource based system in it's place would solve much of the problems humans face? Is catastrophic failure inevitable? Will bio-mechanics, robotics and breakthroughs in technology and medicine save humanity from itself or simply speed up the rate at which they complete self destruction?
Also give seven reasons to disbelieve current global warming statistics.
Please remember it's not the end of the World; it's the end of the Human Race.