Subject: Beufort Wilderbourne's Executive Management Course
Date: 10 September 2010 16:38:89 GMT
Beaufort T. Wilderbourne's Executive Business Management Course starts next Tuesday!
Due to popular demand we have decided to extend our executive training course to 379 places!
There are 186 places remaining at a cost of £799 per person. £1,999 per couple.
Of course as a matter of course, the course takes place over a course of 29 hours beginning at 3.30pm Tuesday the 8th of June.
YES, these 29 hours ARE consecutive so please bring toilet bags and plenty of water.
Croissants will not be provided this year as we do not want to supply the money required to purchase them.
Please note: the toilet bags we refer to are actually bags you toilet INTO; not the traditional ones used to carry condoms, talcum powder and a small gun your grandmother gave you.
Please find attached the highlights of the course schedule:
Hour one and two: The Talk
Rolston Hairbak the inventor of rollerblading and the richest man in Burkina Faso will give a two hour talk on several diverse topics such as the importance of rollerblading and the best places to rollerblade in the capital city of every country in the world.
Dr. Hairbak is the sponsor of this event.
It is extremely important that no noise or laughter occurs during Dr. Hairbak's 120 minute speech as he will insist on starting over.
Dr. Hairbak has not worn shoes for seventeen years and only ever wears rollerblades with the words Trail Bladin' written on the sides.
Dr. Hairbak suffers from a rare condition known as indented-spinal-triple-curvature which causes him to involuntarily arch his back, loll his tongue and release a short piercing scream several times a minute.
Rolston Hairbak is 6 and a half stone overweight. However, he will claim several times throughout his talk that he is a professional escapologist in a bid to elicit audience incredulity thus allowing him to start over.
Hour 7 and a half: Pyramidology and the importance of flattery when dealing with Hysterical Women (fat)
The seventh andth a halfth hour involves the most important activity of the entire evening. Each member will have 47 minutes to exit the training course and convince one hysterical woman to return with them to the event. Once all hysterical women have been collected, corralled and catalogued they will be charged £300 to exit the conference. This task is designed to demonstrate lateral thinking and encourages participants to deal successfully with one of the most irrational creatures on Earth; The Hysterical Woman.
Hour 11, 12 and Thirteen: Religious analysis of a full grown Mormon™
Six years ago when Wilderbourne industries began this executive training course for business people and sociopaths we were lucky enough to capture a real life full grown Mormon Male™. Now, over half a decade on, our patented Mormon Male™ still provides endless interest and has consistently proved to be a high point of the course.
Over the three hours of Mormon analysis (after first picking a name for the Mormon) those in attendance will attempt to cause the Mormons head to detonate using the collective psychic power of nearly 400 people. This is an important visualisation task and must be taken seriously.
Following this; six people will be picked from the audience to join the Mormon male on stage, stand around him and insinuate that he has committed fraud until he begins to cry. This is a non verbal task.
Finally, our resident Psychiatrist Dr Marten Aardvark will join the Mormon Male™ on stage and hypnotise him to believe he is one of his wives and they are deeply in love. A full sex act will follow the marriage ceremony, the duration of which depending entirely on Dr. Aardvark.
Hour 15: The Joke
You will both hear and receive a transcript of our patented joke. The Joke is based on the premise that men and women are vastly different.
The Joke examines the ways in which these differences manifest themselves in everyday situations and does so by making use of similes, sarcasm and three personalised anecdotes.
The Joke lasts for 39 minutes and will be read by Jasper Carrot.
Please note: Jasper Carrot has recently had surgery to remove the roof of his mouth so The Joke may take longer than the advertised 39 minutes.
Hour 17: Teamwork
You will also learn how to capture a wild fox, domesticate it, kill it, skin it and then cook it in an urban setting within a twenty seven minute period.
This will be a SMALL GROUP task and is intended to build your skills of cutting and panic.
Please make our moderators aware of any blood related "squeamishness" as the fox tends to put up an intense struggle during both the domestication and skinning stages.
During Hour 19: A ten minute toilet break will take place.
Please note: As the course location is a Chinatown warehouse with neither running water nor bathroom facilities we will use the lights-out method for all toilet breaks.
The lights will be turned off for ten minutes to allow all 379 attendees to
1. find a space on the warehouse floor then
2. remove their trousers and
3. use their toilet bags for both liquids and solids.
It is STRONGLY recommended that you find a space PRIOR to the lights being turned off.
Hour 22: The prank call
After a brief demonstration of the most successful way to drink a cup of coffee; Dr. Aardvark will make his trademark prank call to an unsuspecting member of the public. Dr. Aardvark has described this prank call as both "hilarious" and "really just hilarious" and is currently in talks with several television stations to expand it into a sixty minute comedy special. In this phone call Dr. Aardvark will use deception to imply that he is a television license inspector and that the person he is calling has not paid their television license and subsequently they are subject to a small fine. Dr. Aardvark will pretend to have a Scottish accent and a pronounced stammer for the duration of the call. Unfortunately we do not have to facility to broadcast the telephone audio so Dr. Aardvarks voice will be the only one heard.
Remember there are only 186 places remaining for this unique event so reply as soon as possible with your credit card details and the three numbers at the back of the card they're really important those numbers don't forget them. Once you are registered for the 29 hour course you will receive a confirmation e-mail with a list of all the different knives you will need.